I really want to double major. I know it’s just a dumb title and regardless of whether or not I can get it, I’m still going to take all the classes, and learn the same thing, but I feel so dumb that my past decisions on how I viewed grades is going to impact anything at all. Ever since going to Berkeley, it feels like I haven’t been myself. I never really figured out why, but when I think back to it, I really haven’t been the same in how I treat homework and my studies since the end of grade 11. Grade 11 was my grind time, where I took AP Calc, while handling AP Physics and all my SAT subject tests on my own. That year, I learned how to grind, and how to learn. How to truly understand a topic when I am being tested on it, and what it means to not understand. I missed going to review sessions with so many questions on my mind because I was prepared. I missed getting down that last bits of information because i just had to know.

I never felt like that at Berkeley, and I don’t know why. I lost myself in grade 12 when I let loose and forgot all about school for my last semester of senior year. When the only thing I remember from that year is going to the gym and going out with friends every single weekend. I don’t even remember working for that entire last year, and it sucks. That’s not the person I trained myself for 5 years to be. That’s not the Alexis who was motivated by Mr. Fung who was told that no one can ever get perfect. That perfect drove me to beat and unthinakable. When I was upset when I didn’t get 100, not when I didn’t get median. I feel absolutely ashamed to be in the state that I am at right now, so constantly behind. I am not dumb, and I know that I can be exactly where I was before. I know I can go back to being that Alexis who strives to be PERFECT.

I believe in Alexis.

professors never gave me a chance, but I can give myself one.