sorry to the one that i hurt

I wish things didn’t end up the way they did…

If you’re reading this, I would like to say sorry.

What happened between us comes to mind every single time I am home, close by where everything all began. I remember the day that we hung out in March two years ago, where I was being a whiny little bitch about my shoes. You showed me places that mattered to your soul and told me things close to your heart. That day was special, yet the superficialness in me played devil’s advocate and told me that it could never be. There was already someone else on my plate that was a little bit more “my type.”

In the Fall, we were going to be at the same place, same school for our next four years. That first week, I did something with you that I never would have expected and that scared me. The image of the person that I would be if it continued scared me. I ran away, with the excuse of my friends to my rescue, but not without conflicting thoughts in my head. There was a part of me that night that wish I stayed.

Months later, things went back to normal and I pretended nothing happened. I pretended like I felt nothing and that it was all fun and games, that it was just the wild times at the beginning of college. I’m sorry that I had to lie, that I had to dance around the fact that maybe there was something between us, that the idea of us was ever possible. The day we talked couldn’t have been worse timing, but that’s no excuse for how I acted to make you feel the way that you did.

We stayed friends for a while, but then you blocked me. I was shitty for sending mixed messages continuously and I understand why you didn’t want to deal with any of it anymore. The last time we talked in real life was in December, Christmas Day where it seemed like miracles might happen. Maybe I never should have gone to that gathering, it wasn’t my place anyways to be. I tried to be chill and I wish we would just be chill, but the messages that came the day after changed things forever. I don’t know why it was so hard for us to just be friends, and I didn’t know another way to answer. And that was it.

Maybe this apology is selfish because I can’t get over the fact that you’re the only person in my life that has ever blocked me because of something that I have done. But, I am truly sorry for all the stress that I have ever caused and the hurt that you have felt. I wish you the best in life and I hope whoever you are with never treats you with the hostility that I have in the past. I hope she truly brings a smile to your face.

Maybe we’ll cross paths again some time in the future, and I hope if we do, things will be okay. Maybe one day, we can say hello rather than be strangers facing one another.

professors never gave me a chance, but I can give myself one.