Today, There Was the Perfect Amount of Clouds in the Sky

If you’re reading this, you’ll probably think “Alexis, you’re so silly, how can you possibly quantify the number of clouds in the sky?”

But it’s true, and it’s possible. Just enough for me to stare at while lying down on the precious patch of grass I found today in my neighborhood. Living in a construction field has been hard, and being in Canada makes it even harder. The constant unpredictable weather makes me miss California more and more every day. I want to go back, but before I can do that, I want to be confident.

San Francisco Weather
San Francisco Weather
vs. SF for the next 5 days

This Past Week

A lot has gone on this past week, yet I have so many mixed feelings.

  1. hack:now — A hackathon that I competed in this past weekend. This has been the most that I have ever accomplished in a single hackathon, where I didn’t feel like I was simply the dead weight dragging everyone down. From learning React during Spring Break, I was able to deploy those frontend development skills into this weekend. My team and I created “Om-Nom”, a food social media website! I worked with connecting to the backend (MongoDB Atlas) and using APIs for the first time! I also tackled frontend with Material UI, where in the past, I would always feel confused and lost in documentation before I even progressed. There was a lot for me to be proud of within this 36 hours, and I’m really glad that I made this last minute decision to participate.

2. FSAE — I have always wanted to work on mechanical design, but I can never be honest enough with myself to know if it’s something that I truly enjoy. I know I love the thought of that end product, yet looking at Solidworks makes me want to shut everything down. I don’t why. I love looking at products and seeing the way that they are able to impact people. I love how I feel every single time Apple comes out with new innovation, but why can’t I replicate that feeling myself? Why was I able to dedicate so much of myself to robotics in high school, but not to a real project right now? Am I simply too afraid to take on something real, or am I truly not interested? I just don’t know and I don’t know how to answer myself. But I know that dragging this on isn’t the right answer.

3. Schoolwork — I am been head of the game, yet so behind. Two weeks ago, I finally thought that I am ready and caught up to all of my mechanical engineering classes, but after a week has gone by, I realized that I am, once again, behind. Yet, before I began the hackathon, I took extra time and care into making sure that I was done my CS homework, and began the project, even though the deadlines were further away. Again this makes me wonder, am I doing it simply because it’s easy, or it is because it’s actually something that I like. I wish I could know, but before I do, I have 2 days to catch up on 3 lectures and 2 homeworks before my quiz, so wish me luck.

4. Machine Learning — Again, I am sad. I am sad that I am behind on my modules, on the class. I am sad that somehow, I still got “too busy” to watch these 5 hours worth of lectures every single week. It’s only 5 hours.

Last week, I was lost, confused, and circling everywhere. This week, I will face, prepare, and stay focused on the right tasks. Next week, I will prove to myself that it is possible to stick to my goals.

This morning, I watched a video by Blogilates. It was her 90 day fitness journey to come to be who she is and to stop being afraid. Although she was talking about food and I am talking about life, there are quite the similarities in between. I think I often forget to give myself flexibility, and once I mess up, I think it’s all over. Once the streak is gone, I tell myself I can’t do it anymore. But that shouldn’t be the case. I can pick myself back up and continue from right where I stopped, to continue on this journey to be a better me. Yes, my first two weeks were good, and last week was a bit of a hiccup, but it doesn’t mean that next week can’t be amazing.

I hope to make every single one of my days as amazing and fulfilling for myself as possible, just like the perfection of clouds in the sky on a sunny warm day, reminding my of the beauty of nature.

professors never gave me a chance, but I can give myself one.